When It Comes to Dating, I Feel Like Sisyphus

"Sisyphus" by Titian

In Greek mythology, Sisyphus was a king who caused a lot of trouble. Eventually his deeds caught up to him, and he was sentenced to an eternity of frustration. His task was to roll a huge boulder up a hill, but every time he got to the top, the boulder would roll back down. He was forced to roll that boulder up the hill again and again for eternity.

I confess, as of late, this is how I've come to feel about dating.

I spent most of last year putting everything I had into rolling a boulder up the hill. I was in a relationship for ten months, and right as I thought I was getting to the top, the boulder and I both plummeted. I wanted to sit there on the ground for a while and forget about rolling boulders, but like Sisyphus, it seems that I'm required to keep trying. Sadly, the most recent boulder didn't make it to the top, either. Not even close.

I've been rolling rocks for as long as I can remember. At first it was little pebbles (first crushes), then small stones (high school boyfriends), and now I've graduated to full-size boulders. Part of me is excited to be in this stage of life, but the other parts of me are exhausted and tired of the climb. If it didn't feel so useless, I'd be more enthusiastic, but it's hard to maintain the same excitement that I had about dating when I was sixteen, or even eighteen. I know exactly how heavy those boulders are, and just how much they hurt when they fall on top of you.

Thankfully, there's one thing that Sisyphus and I don't have in common: eventually, one of my boulders is going to make it to the top, and it's going to stay there. That's what keeps me going, even when I'm terrified to open up again and to be hurt one more time. I know that in the end, the view from the top of that hill is going to be incredible, and that the relief will be indescribable when I'm finally committed to an eternal companion.

Of course, there will still be plenty of work to do. Relationships can't last on love alone; they require great effort and sacrifice. But every drop of sweat from rolling that boulder will be worth it. Every sacrifice I make will be rewarded by a fulfilling relationship.

So, I'll take a breath, and then I'll put my shoulder to the stone again. The climb isn't useless. The exertion isn't in vain. Someday, somehow, I'm going to stand on top of that hill and be grateful for every step I took to get there.

Bonnie Gwyn