Guest Post by My Warrior Mother: Jenni Hunt Johnson
Spending one and a half years in a weekly counseling group for “significant others of substance abusers” was never on my bucket list, but it proved to be one of the most valuable experiences of my life. I also never saw myself meeting with a personal counselor, but Ed Brown was the man and the one who invited me to the free group meetings. When I asked him later why he’d sent me to this group, he replied, “Your husband is an abuser of people, not of substances. You’ll find that the symptoms are almost identical.” He was right on, about that and so many other things. I still think he was one of the wisest people on earth.
After years of struggling with life and major health issues, my husband was severely depressed and highly suicidal. A kind neighbor, who was also a family doctor and addictionologist, sat me down and explained that I was also depressed. He made counseling appointments for both of us, and my world suddenly took on a whole new dimension.
Ed’s group had maybe thirty to fifty people, on any given Thursday night. Many were regulars, but there were plenty of drop-ins, too. We sat in a big circle and everyone took a turn at the beginning to say how they were feeling. Words like “fine” and “good” were not acceptable – it had to be heartfelt. Lots of people spoke throughout the evening, so I got to know a little about most of them.
The first thing that really took me by surprise was learning that I was probably the only one there who could say that I had a happy childhood. A good percentage of the group introduced themselves as “adult children of alcoholics, or drug abusers,” still trying to get a handle on life. I came from a great family situation, but I gained many insights about what these poor people had gone through – and were still going through.
What my own children were experiencing and how that could affect their lives became very clear to me. The situation in our home was getting worse by the day, and when it became too dangerous for us to stay, I took the kids and fled – literally fled. Life came crashing down on us and the happy little family I’d always planned to have was anything but that. Divorce was inevitable, leaving all of us to pick up the pieces and start over. My whole family was now eligible for membership in Ed’s group.
Abuse takes many forms, and if I didn’t have enough compassion for the sufferers, I was learning quickly. That’s why I kept going to the group for such a long time; I was learning so much. My group-mates experienced hard, hard things, like having a parent destroy their belongings, point a gun at them – hitting and screaming – no stability, moving frequently, little money, physical and emotional abuse. I saw the results from adults who were, unwittingly and unfortunately, passing the same things on to their own children. They had a hard time keeping jobs and holding relationships together, and some even developed multiple personalities.
Soon after I stopped going to the group, I met someone whose mother was an alcoholic. He had experienced all of the things I mentioned above (except the multiple personalities) and likely a lot more that he’d blocked out, because he hardly remembered anything before the age of six. Making friends and developing social skills was difficult, but he was able to move ahead, get a degree, and have a family. Still, the effects of a troubled home had left their mark.
Learning not to judge was a huge part of my group education. I was amazed to see how people react so differently to troubling situations. While one person’s life might fall apart over what seemed to be a small issue, another person could handle huge amounts of abuse and still lead a normal, fairly happy life. We have no idea about the life experiences, or even pre-life experiences, people have had that have led them to who they are today – and we don’t need to. All that’s required of us is love and understanding, and if we have children, we owe them the best possible upbringing we can give.
I also learned that children, even babies, can be devastated by the effects of substance abuse on their parents. Apparently, it’s extremely difficult for a child to see a parent who isn’t in control of his or her faculties. Does that surprise us? It shouldn’t, because our parents are our base, our rock, and our only means of security when we’re little. They need us to be there for them, giving the best support and assurance we can that they are safe and loved.
My friend’s alcoholic mother never meant to harm her son, but she did in countless ways. In my very own family, the list of failed marriages that were weakened or destroyed by substance abuse is long. I’m sad for the children who are missing vital parts of life that lead to happiness because of any type of abuse dealt to them by a parent. And I’m sad for those who have passed these tendencies down through the generations. We can be the ones to turn things around. Our Heavenly Father is counting on us to give His children the best chance for growth and happiness in this life and forever.
No comments:
Post a Comment