The member of my stake presidency who shared this parable gave a few examples of things that can be "good or bad." One of them was, "I broke up with my boyfriend last week. Good or bad? Hard to say." Another: "I made up with my boyfriend this week. Good or bad? Hard to say." We all laughed at that, but deep down, I wondered how he was reading my mind.
Once again, ladies and gents, a significant chapter in my life has come to a close. I never thought a positive break-up could be a thing, but it turns out, it can. Don't get me wrong. The moments before, during, and immediately following this change were brutal. I felt pretty torn up over whether I was making the right decision. I knew what my logical mind said I needed, but my heart put up a good fight and tempted me with the thought that I could possibly be giving up the man I was meant to marry. It was difficult, considering that not long ago, I was certain that man would be my husband. 100% certain. I've experienced time and time again that it isn't until I'm free of the emotional turmoil that I can really see the best path. In the moment, when I'm struggling to choose, I just have to trust my gut. And that's what I did.
I decided that even though I loved him more than I'd ever loved anyone not related to me, I needed to do what was best for me. It's ironic, that I didn't actually want what was best for me, but it's true. I didn't want to give up the great thing we'd built, and the memories, and the blessing of having a companion and a guaranteed plus one. Our relationship, in many ways, was awesome. I felt very loved - even adored. But we struggled in other ways that I really just couldn't make an exception about. During the day-to-day, I was happy, but I was missing out on joy. I made the choice that would lead me to joy and greater possibilities. I had to think about more than just this month, or this year. I had to think not only about who I wanted in my life now, but who I wanted in my life twenty years from now, and who I wanted to raise my children with.
During the last six months or so, when I was with this man, I focused so much energy on him that I lost sight of myself in a lot of ways. I lost sight of the things and people I care about. I stopped doing a lot of things I enjoy. I made changes to my routines that impacted me more than I realized. Truthfully, I think many of my sacrifices were worth it. We had some amazing experiences that I'd never give up - including seeing the total solar eclipse, going home for the first time in years, and bonding with a lot of amazing people. I am grateful for him and the courage that he gave me to do so many things I'd been procrastinating. Still, I stopped living the life I really want to live. I didn't realize that until I woke up the morning after breaking up with an insane amount of freedom and true joy in my heart.
Guys, I'm always a happy person, but I'm feeling such a new level of happy these days that it's crazy. It's not because I love being single or having all of my time to myself. I want, more than just about anything, to find the right person and settle down. I want to be a wife and a mother. But I want to share all of that with the right person, in a healthy situation that will allow me to both make sacrifices and to thrive in my own way. I want to still be me after I get married. I don't want to have to fit into the mold and lifestyle of someone else. I want to create a life together that allows everyone involved to experience the most joy and fulfillment possible. That's the dream, and I intend to chase it.
I have to take a moment and express my gratitude for the incredible gospel I am blessed to be a part of. We have a new prophet, and I am so thrilled to know that we will be under the guidance of such a good man. When I was listening to the press conference held with the new First Presidency, I was really inspired by something President Nelson said: “I wake up every morning eager for the adventures of the day. And I hope you feel that same exuberance for the gift of life.”
I feel that now. I really do. I didn't before. I often felt so stressed and tired and woke up every morning already longing to go to bed again. Now, I wake with that eagerness and excitement because I know that life is good. I know that God has a plan for me and that He loves me and will take care of me. I know that I can trust Him and depend on Him always. I distinctly remember singing Where Can I Turn For Peace during our last Stake Conference, and at the time it brought tears to my eyes, because so many things felt wrong. Last night, we sang it again, and I felt so much sweet joy. I know the answer to that question now. I know the source of my peace.
So, is this ending good or bad? I suppose it's hard to say. Yes, I've spent evenings shedding many tears and mourning the loss of this relationship. I've felt lonely. I've felt frustrated. I've felt confused. I've even felt forsaken. Those things would deem this event "bad." However, I've also reached this new level of joy and peace that I've never experienced before ... so all in all, I'll call it good. The moral of that parable is simple: We never know what series of events one thing might set in motion. We never know how a story will end until it does. When we're the middle of those moments of despair and trial, we can't see the outcome. We can't see the good. We can't see the bullets we may dodge, or the blessings we may receive. It's important to keep that eternal perspective and to remember that even when something seems so terrible, or so "bad," it really might just be leading us to something great.
I, for one, am really looking forward to the great things to come, and the good I'll be able to accomplish with the Lord by my side.
I love you all!
Bonnie Gwyn
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