This week, our Savior teaches us about marriage, and I'm loving the reminders to prioritize my husband. Just last week, we went on our first date in a while and felt so refreshed. It can be hard to make time away from our family and other responsibilities, but it's worth it. I adore my husband and want to make sure I'm still getting to know him as an individual as we navigate family life.
Matthew 19:4-6
4 And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female,
5 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?
6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
We attended the temple together and I learned so much about the Plan of Salvation and the Savior's love for us. We've had a lot of discussions since. It also reminded me of the eternal path we're on together. The way we treat each other now matters a lot. I'm so happy that Drew is my forever. When I think of the uncertainty of eternity and all my unanswered questions, I find comfort in the fact that no matter what, he will be with me because we're sealed together. We will always be able to support, love, and encourage each other. The devil can't really mess with that, no matter how much he tries, as long as we keep our covenants to God and each other. There is so much power in that.
The gospel topic "marriage" has profound insights:
After receiving the sealing ordinance and making sacred covenants in the temple, a couple must continue in faithfulness in order to receive the blessings of eternal marriage and exaltation. The Lord said:
“If a man marry a wife by my word, which is my law, and by the new and everlasting covenant, and it is sealed unto them by the Holy Spirit of promise, by him who is anointed, unto whom I have appointed this power and the keys of this priesthood; … and if [they] abide in my covenant, … it shall be done unto them in all things whatsoever my servant hath put upon them, in time, and through all eternity; and shall be of full force when they are out of the world” (Doctrine and Covenants 132:19).
Those who are married should consider their union as their most cherished earthly relationship. A spouse is the only person other than the Lord whom we have been commanded to love with all our heart (see Doctrine and Covenants 42:22).
Marriage, in its truest sense, is a partnership of equals, with neither person exercising dominion over the other, but with each encouraging, comforting, and helping the other.
Because marriage is such an important relationship in life, it needs and deserves time over less-important commitments. Couples can strengthen their marriage as they take time to talk together and to listen to one another, to be thoughtful and respectful, and to express tender feelings and affection often.
Marriage partners must be loyal to one another and faithful in their marriage covenants in thought, word, and deed. The Lord has said, “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else” (Doctrine and Covenants 42:22). The phrase “none else” teaches that no person, activity, or possession should ever take precedence over the marriage relationship.
I've never thought about that - that we're commanded to love both God and our spouses with all our hearts. That's important. Our top priorities in life should be our relationships with God and our spouses. Life can get crazy. It's easy to slip away from that. We need to take the time to keep these very eternal relationships healthy and strong. Again, it's empowering, even though it takes time and feels hard. This is how we become a ship that the devil can't sink.
At the end of that gospel topic, I found a great article about emotional infidelity, which is something that can sneak up on us. This quote illustrates why it's a danger:
A healthy marriage offers a secure bond and a capacity for quality and depth with which emotional infidelity—when looked at honestly—cannot ultimately compete. However, the secrecy surrounding emotional infidelity through the use of cell phones or computers can seem exciting. In contrast to this fantasy, the practical tasks of marriage—such as bill paying, childcare, and chores—may make marriage seem mundane, clouding judgment. In a technology-based relationship, people can easily control their presentations to the other person. Such relationships are fraught with deception. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles has said that Satan “will do anything he can to counterfeit true love, to profane and desecrate true love wherever and whenever he encounters it.”
I can see how this would happen. Daily life of any kind can feel mundane. Having a relationship with someone that escaped all of that would be exciting, but it wouldn't last or have real value. I think the key here is making sure we have time with our spouses away from the monotony. We need time that's focused on each other and on our relationship - fun, relaxing, rejuvenating time - so that our spouse is the person we give our feelings to, not anyone else.
In marriage, we see the best and worst of each other. That's what happens when we share our lives with someone. It's a good thing. No one knows me better than my husband. No one. It's an opportunity to love and serve each other. But we have to be careful to really work at it and resolve conflicts quickly, or we'll start focusing on the worst parts of the marriage instead of the best. Satan is absolutely on the attack and we need to be watchful.
Drew and I are good about having boundaries. I let go of all my close friends of the opposite gender when we got married and am careful not to share feelings that could lead to danger. If any of you felt suddenly cut out of my life, that's why, and I probably should have explained. I know it's dangerous to ever talk about one's spouse or marriage in a way that bonds you more to the listener than the spouse. We know all of each other's passwords. Our iPad sits on our kitchen counter and is connected to my phone, so realistically Drew can see anything at any time and I like that. I don't currently feel tempted to strike up conversations with old flames, but if I ever did, he'd be the first to know and that's an important safety feature for our marriage.
President Gordon B. Hinckley (1910–2008) said, “One might expect that every marriage in the house of the Lord would carry with it a covenant of loyalty one to another.” Renowned marital researcher John Gottman pointed out that “a committed relationship is a contract of mutual trust, respect, nurturance, and protection. Anything that violates that contract can become traitorous.” He identified two common aspects that diminish trust in marriage: “Deception (not revealing your true needs to avoid unpleasant conflict) and a yearning for emotional connection that seems unavailable from the partner.” The real danger comes when the avoidance of conflict becomes deep-seated resentment.
I once asked a man who had been engaging in online infidelity via texting if he knew what he was getting from that relationship that he wasn’t getting in his marriage. He explained that he got acceptance and admiration he didn’t feel at home. I asked him if he ever talked to his wife about it. He replied, “I don’t think I want to risk that kind of rejection. She hasn’t liked me for a long time.” He had decided to “not need anything” from his marriage, leaving it open to attack. In a healthy marriage, both partners are loyal to each other and take turns sharing needs and responding to each other in meaningful ways. Attending early to difficulties within the marriage helps prevent infidelity.
I read these paragraphs and realized, Oh man, it's me. I often keep my needs to myself. Not because I don't trust my husband, but because I feel guilty for asking anything more from him when he works so hard. That does tend to turn into resentment. Guilt is a monster I've been battling my entire life. It's how the devil chooses to attack me. I did this just yesterday, refusing my love's attempts to help me make dinner. Ah. I need to repent.
We have to discuss each other's needs. It's totally unfair to leave our spouses unaware of whatever struggle we're experiencing and how they can help. When we keep that to ourselves, we deny them the opportunity to show us love and serve us. Those moments of service bond us together. Two nights ago, Drew and I folded laundry together while he shared some songs he loved via Spotify. That felt like real romance to me. It sounds silly, but I felt so loved in that moment. We can find the magic of love during every-day moments as long as we're communicating and seeing the best in each other. We need to really see each other. Take time away from the thoughts of children, work, whatever else, and look at our spouse with eyes to see.
If we don't share our needs with our spouses, we may find ourselves sharing them with others, and that's not a road we want to travel. I like this point from the article:
1. Realize that you are not immune to the possibility of infidelity. In his Brigham Young University marriage classes, Brent Barlow told a story about a ditch in front of his family’s home. Being aware of the risks the ditch posed, he and his wife frequently counseled their children to be cautious. He pointed out that his children were likely safer from that potential peril than people living farther away because his children’s awareness of the danger kept them vigilant.
Researcher Shirley Glass has pointed out that those who become involved in infidelity frequently love their spouses and believe that infidelity is wrong. However, love and convictions don’t always make us immune to the temptation to develop inappropriate attachments under certain circumstances. We must always remain vigilant in our marriages.
That applies to any temptations we might face. Vigilance and awareness keeps us safe. Personally, I need to be more vigilant about sharing my experiences with Drew and telling him how he can help me. I know he wants to, I just feel a mix of guilt and pride that prevents me from bonding with him in that way. It's not fair to either of us and I'm going to work on it. The devil wants to come between us and our spouses. He wants to stand in the way of eternal families. He wants us to have resentment for each other. We need to put a stop to him and stay far, far away from that ditch.
“If a man marry a wife by my word, which is my law, and by the new and everlasting covenant, and it is sealed unto them by the Holy Spirit of promise, by him who is anointed, unto whom I have appointed this power and the keys of this priesthood; … and if [they] abide in my covenant, … it shall be done unto them in all things whatsoever my servant hath put upon them, in time, and through all eternity; and shall be of full force when they are out of the world” (Doctrine and Covenants 132:19).
I want our marriage to be in full force always. What a blessing!
Bonnie Gwyn
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