Hello, dear friends! It's been a long time since I've written anything here. This year has been difficult for so many people and I haven't felt that any words I came up with could be adequate to bring the comfort and peace that I've so desperately sought for myself. I've done a lot of soul searching in the last few months.
I haven't been inside a church building since March. I had no idea how difficult that would be for me until it happened. I didn't realize how much I took fellowship with the Saints and the organization of the Church for granted until my Sunday routine was drastically altered.
For those of you who don't know, I found out I was pregnant around the same time that this COVID-19 chaos began and that caused me to feel pretty terrified for a while. A time that should have been the most exciting and joyful was instead full of questioning and worry because I had no idea what the next few months would bring. Thankfully, my worst fears haven't been realized and our growing family is in good health. Still, we've felt it necessary to socially distance as much as possible and my doctor has encouraged us to isolate until after our baby comes. This has been hard for us and has caused me to do a lot of personal reflecting.
To be honest, as I struggled between the excitement of becoming a mother and the fear of the future, I found myself feeling spiritually weaker than I had in a long time. The following months became a great growth experience for me as I endeavored to grow stronger again, to regain my connection with God, and to find peace so I could have optimism about the future. I enrolled myself in a Book of Mormon class so that I could spend more time focusing on the sacred doctrines that my faith has always rested upon. I made more time for family history work. I also started exercising more regularly in hopes that it would both lift my spirits and keep me and my baby healthy. I had no idea how badly I was lacking a self-care routine until I started doing those things for myself.
In a lot of ways, this pandemic has shown me the things I lack. It's also shown me the many things I have that I didn't realize were so important. I've never been more profoundly aware of the importance of family, or the joy of discussing the gospel with others, or the precious feelings that come when I take time to be with God and not think about anything else. I've never been more grateful for my husband and the marriage that we have built together. We've bonded so much during this time and that's been a blessing. I've never been more grateful for the blessing of the Sacrament and the sacred ordinances of the temple.
I think it's easy and natural to question things when life feels so strange and unpredictable. I've gotten to the point where nothing that happens this year could surprise me anymore. It's become obvious that I have no idea what's going to happen and that the only way to find peace is to remember that God knows. I think this is the first time in my life that I've felt myself approaching God with questions about the Church, about the gospel, about what I believe, and truly needing answers. I have been awed and humbled by the responses that I have received. I haven't had any particularly dramatic experiences, but I've felt His sweet peace and reassurance that He is there, that He loves me, and that everything is in His hands.
I've had to learn again how to accept His will and to turn my life over to Him - to let Him prevail - and it hasn't been easy. I'm still a work in progress in so many ways. I think that's the point, though. I think that's the most important thing I've learned throughout this process: that I am nowhere near perfect, that I still have so much to learn, and that if I'm not making the effort to keep myself connected to God at all times, I will feel the difference.
It was easier to feel connected to God when I went to church every Sunday. It was easier to know He was real and to trust in the Plan of Salvation when I could attend the temple and learn of Him there. It was easier to put my faith and trust in Him when there wasn't so much turmoil in the world. I've had to seek Him out more than before. I've had to study more deeply. I've had to spend more time reflecting. And I'm glad. This experience has given me an opportunity to discover what matters most to me and to realize how much I really need and love having the gospel in my life. I will appreciate the fullness of it all the more when I can have it in my life again.
One of the sweetest experiences I've had recently came while reflecting on the temple. In a moment when I particularly needed peace and solace, I found precious words and feelings from the temple coming back to my mind and reassuring me that God was with me even when I didn't feel Him there. I felt His Spirit like I hadn't in a long time. I realized that my entire life has been full of subtle, sweet, spiritual moments that are deep in my heart and just waiting to be called upon when I need them. I imagine that many of you have those things in your hearts, too, that are just waiting to bring you comfort as you seek to remember them.
I'm not sure what my purpose is for writing this except to let you guys know that you're not alone. You're not alone in feeling afraid during this time or for finding yourself questioning things you never have before. You're not alone in feeling helpless when the world feels full of chaos. You're not alone in realizing that you need the companionship of others and wishing so badly that this could all be over so you can have it again.
You're not alone because even if I haven't been through exactly what you have, there is one person who has and who understands perfectly: Jesus Christ. And just like those spiritual memories just waiting to be called upon, He is also waiting to be called upon. He is waiting for us to choose to ask Him for help, to find comfort in His Atonement, and to find solace in His love. He is there if we will only reach for Him.
It can take a lot of courage and humility to do that. Sometimes it means that we have to let go of our fears, our anxieties, and our desire for control and simply trust in Him. That's one of the hardest things for me to do. I've found that I tend to hold myself back from His help because I don't want to let go of my ability to control a situation (or my wish that I could control it). It can be hard to put Him first, but the incredible thing is that when we do, He is able to put us first and guide us through our circumstances.
He is all-powerful, but He can only do so much until we let Him in, and that's my challenge to all of you today. Please, let Him in. It isn't necessary or better for you to go through this difficult time alone. He doesn't want that for you and I don't either. If you're struggling on the precipice of trust as I was for so long, please breathe deeply and take the leap. It might feel terrifying now, but it is absolutely and eternally worth it. We need Him more than ever before and He is only a prayer or a thought away.
I love you all and hope you have a wonderful Sabbath. I wish you comfort, peace, and joy during this difficult time. We will make it through together.
Bonnie Gwyn
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